Betor, Ancestor's VoiceBetor, Ancestor's Voice | art by Luis Lasahido

Now a Category Five Dragicane

We're back with Part Two of the Tarkir: Dragonstorm Jank Rank! I'm Michael Celani, and we've got twelve commanders to go from where we left off last time.

If you haven't read Part One, then the odds are you only care about Abzan or Jeskai commanders. Take a peek there anyway for an explanation of the criteria, assuming you haven't already skipped ahead to the commander you actually care about. It's okay. We know.

Betor, Ancestor's VoiceBetor, Ancestor's Voice

We're starting with the Abzan cards, which I actually already reviewed once, so this is the second time I'm perusing these commanders. Doing the same thing over and over is tedious, grindy, and unsatisfying, but that actually perfectly encapsulates what it's like to play against Abzan, so it's nothing if not on-brand.

Satisfaction

Betor, Ancestor's VoiceBetor, Ancestor's Voice does everything. Lifegain! +1/+1 counters! Reanimation! All of this, distilled into the most complex commander possible.

Building a BetorBetor deck is an exercise in debugging a Rube Goldberg machine. You need to juggle gaining and losing life on your turn while also stocking your graveyard, managing your +1/+1 counters, and praying that your opponents ignore that your commander is the one extremely vulnerable and expensive linchpin holding it all together.

It's too much, and I suspect the only way to make a consistent BetorBetor deck would be to outright ignore one of his many facets, which feels unsatisfying on the face of it.

Jankability

Something this complicated is definitely jank, and well... here's what I came up with.

My initial impetus was to build a deck that uses punch spells and lifelinkers to marry the counter management and lifegain together, which left more space for self-mill and reanimation targets.

Now that I've had a bit more time to think about it, I'd try PestilencePestilence. Use your healing to offset the damage done to yourself, the counters to defang the damage done to your creatures, and if anything of yours actually dies, you can bring it right back at your end step. Bonus points if you can put a lifelink counter on Thrashing WumpusThrashing Wumpus.

Uniqueness

Like Neriv, Heart of the StormNeriv, Heart of the Storm, we have another umbrella commander here.

If you left a Vampirea Vampire, a Dryada Dryad, a Humana Human, and a Horsea Horse at the Pokémon Daycare together, BetorBetor's is the egg the Daycare Man hand you, and I'd be a little more trusting when he says he doesn't know how it got there.

Betor, Kin to AllBetor, Kin to All

Oof, they really should have left him in profile, because this angle does BetorBetor no favors. He went from a menacing, imposing Dragon to kite-headed dunce.

Satisfaction

Betor, Kin to AllBetor, Kin to All's design naturally leads players towards a deck with a lot of momentum. The threshold for replacing himself is so low that if you're able to cast him in the first place, then your card draw is solved, and since his second toughness check untaps all your creatures, you've probably also honed in on running a bunch of mana dorks to turn him into a discount Wilderness ReclamationWilderness Reclamation.

Of course, a player will only consider BetorBetor as having "done the thing" if it gets to that forty-toughness mark, and that's a bit trickier. Toughness is generally easier to boost than power, though, and you only need four creatures on board for an Overwhelming StampedeOverwhelming Stampede to shower you with twenty points in the stat.

Jankability

Now this is some classic Do-The-Thing Syndrome: fattening your board's butts is your engine, your protection, and your win condition. The phrase "draw a card" really is cheeks for a card's Johnny score, and I can't imagine a flavor of Betor, Kin to AllBetor, Kin to All that doesn't sort by toughness descending on Scryfall at some point.

Your only real decision is whether to go wide or go tall. I rather like the idea of using those ostensibly disposable creatures with decayed as stat sticks you'll never actually throw away. Reminds me of that single-use razor I've had five years strong now.

Uniqueness

Most decks that care about toughness do it by saying it's actually power and you're just dyslexic (see: Doran, the Siege TowerDoran, the Siege Tower, Arcades, the StrategistArcades, the Strategist, ...that other onethat other one). It's refreshing to see a variant of the archetype that cares about toughness for toughness's^'s's sake.

The only other commanders I can think of that aren't just using the number in Box 1B to commit tax fraud are Sapling of ColfenorSapling of Colfenor and Ikra Shidiqi, the UsurperIkra Shidiqi, the Usurper, the latter of which is borderline a fraud depending on whether or not her partner is Sidar Kondo of JamuraaSidar Kondo of Jamuraa.

Felothar, Dawn of the AbzanFelothar, Dawn of the Abzan

Dawn of the Abzan? Haven't they been around like, forever?

Satisfaction

FelotharFelothar is the most consistent way I've seen yet to spread +1/+1 counters like a plague to your entire team.

Trust me: every card in FelotharFelothar has the phrase "+1/+1 counter" on it, whether it be something that makes counters even bettermakes counters even better, something that triggers when it gets counterstriggers when it gets counters, or even something that cares about stuff dying with countersstuff dying with counters, which seems to be the most synergistic category of the three given your commander is a sac outlet.

The simplest route goes wide with tokens for the most value, as they're not only additional counter sponges you can manipulate with Resourceful DefenseResourceful Defense, they're also the sacrifice fodder you need to keep renewing the Abzan gym membership. A lot of creatures actually make tokens when they die, and if you just shove a bunch of them into your deck, you're definitely accomplishing your goals.

Jankability

Modular, modular, modular; they want more counters, and they want their stuff with counters to die. It's a robotic slam dunk.

You could also go for an UnearthUnearth-heavy build, where your main plan is to sacrifice FelotharFelothar to herself only to recur her to repeat the cycle. You'd run a ton of cards like Beast WhispererBeast Whisperer and Grim HaruspexGrim Haruspex to keep your draw up, and win with, just spitballing here, swole tokens from Pawn of UlamogPawn of Ulamog and Sifter of SkullsSifter of Skulls.

Uniqueness

Putting counters on everything from the command zone is actually fairly rare for Abzan. Subsets of the color identity can do it -- Mazirek, Kraul Death PriestMazirek, Kraul Death Priest comes to mind -- but raw Abzan really couldn't until now.

In terms of gameplay, the closest analogue I can think of is Colonel AutumnColonel Autumn, who grants each of your legendary creatures a (slightly worse) FelotharFelothar trigger upon entering. True to my analysis above, that deck focuses on going wide via death triggers, so I was right on the money.

Felothar the SteadfastFelothar the Steadfast

Behold, a value engine! Felothar the SteadfastFelothar the Steadfast is my pick for least interesting legendary in the set, and that's saying something considering Surrak, Elusive HunterSurrak, Elusive Hunter exists.

Satisfaction

Well, being satisfying to use is the one thing she's got going for her, at least. Felothar the SteadfastFelothar the Steadfast is a defender commander with a ridiculous built-in draw engine, so if you're not playing real games with her, it's because you've mulliganed terribly and couldn't cast her in the first place.

Jankability

Okay, Betor, Kin to AllBetor, Kin to All was bad, but Felothar the SteadfastFelothar the Steadfast has a severe case of Do-The-Thing Syndrome. No commander has roared play defenders this loudly since Arcades, the StrategistArcades, the Strategist.

I mean, what other avenues could there possibly be? You might think that using her ability to draw reanimation spells and discard reanimation targets might qualify as jank, but that's just using her ability intelligently.

Maybe if we take it in entirely the opposite direction and play like an idiot? I suppose Felothar the SteadfastFelothar the Steadfast is jank if you use her to get hellbenthellbent as fast as possible, but even then, she lacks access to red, so your payoffs aren't playable in any meaningful quantity.

Uniqueness

Blatant plagiarism; she's just Doran, the Siege TowerDoran, the Siege Tower with modern design sensibilities.

Elsha, Threefold MasterElsha, Threefold Master

On to Jeskai! This color identity can be very polarizing; it's fairly notorious for wasting time by either taking turns so long it makes the Extended Cut blush or by conjuring combo wins from thin air in a way that makes the initial thirty-five minutes of gameplay feel invalid, yet a lot of Jeskai commanders are completely fair, commit-to-the-board-style token decks with some noncreature synergy as flair.

Satisfaction

Elsha, Threefold MasterElsha, Threefold Master joins that roster, and while a 1/1 for three makes me squirm, Monklink might just be enough of a payoff to get me to look the other way. Get a hit big enough, and you have an instant army with prowess, which should be enough to satisfy any player.

And prowess truly is the key here. Getting a free pump with each noncreature spell you cast means you don't feel cheated out of deck slots when you include protection, ramp, removal, and one-shot draw spells. You can load up on vegetables and still get fat!

Jankability

Forgo creatures, embrace combat tricks. ElshaElsha is the first commander I've seriously considered for the strategy since Feather, the RedeemedFeather, the Redeemed, and that's saying something considering that combat tricks are usually garbage.

Not convinced? As an example, let's break down what you get when you cast Blazing CrescendoBlazing Crescendo on ElshaElsha:

• Four more damage on hit (don't forget the prowess trigger);
• Four additional MonkMonk tokens after damage;
• +1/+1 to all your current MonkMonk tokens; and
• A card in exile you can cast until the end of your next turn.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like a damn good deal for two mana, and you could fill a whole deck up with cards like that.

Uniqueness

On the surface, Elsha, Threefold MasterElsha, Threefold Master looks a lot like a Lathril, Blade of the ElvesLathril, Blade of the Elves or Tana, the BloodsowerTana, the Bloodsower with a much worse creature type, but losing green and slapping prowess on everything makes enough of a fundamental difference that they'll play out completely differently.

Narset, Jeskai WaymasterNarset, Jeskai Waymaster

This Jeskai legendary, on the other hand, falls squarely into the fifteen-minute-per-turn zone.

Satisfaction

A commander for gamblers.

A ton of free cards every turn is great, but all I can think about when reading Narset, Jeskai WaymasterNarset, Jeskai Waymaster is how much it's going to suck the instant I get unlucky and hit a pocket of lands. If that happens and your board isn't set up well, you can no longer make meaningful progress.

Sure, flashback and friends can save you, but the additional fee a lot of those mechanics levy on both the front and back end means you won't be able to storm off the way NarsetNarset wants you to. Adding a flashback subtheme raises your floor, but lowers your ceiling, squishing you in the mediocre between.

NarsetNarset can be a lot of fun, but the operative words there are "can be." You're rolling the dice, and sooner or later, they're gonna come up snake eyes.

Jankability

On the other hand, Narset, Jeskai WaymasterNarset, Jeskai Waymaster is a fantastic Adventures commander, and that's just weird enough I'd consider it jank. Adventures are two spells in one that are meant to be chained together. All you have to do is cast as many instant and sorcery sides as possible during your turn, discard the rest of your hand to refuel, and then play the permanent sides on a later turn for maximum value.

Uniqueness

In terms of being a Jeskai storm commander, I'm reminded of Gnostro, Voice of the CragsGnostro, Voice of the Crags, whom NarsetNarset soundly trounces. Moving from scry X to wheel X is such a massive upgrade that I'm not even bummed out about the loss of the other two modes.

Shiko and Narset, UnifiedShiko and Narset, Unified

Not content to let the Dragon take top billing solo like every other commander deck in the set, Narset selfishly steals the spotlight by asserting herself onto Shiko and Narset, UnifiedShiko and Narset, Unified.

Satisfaction

So this one's tricky: your second spell each turn either cantrips or copies itself, depending on whether or not it targets something.

It's a beginner's trap to immediately conclude that you should always prioritize copying over cantripping. Free spells are great, but having cards in hand to play is better. You can't even get to the second spell trigger if your hand is empty.

Shiko and Narset, UnifiedShiko and Narset, Unified, more than any other commander in this roundup, will only be satisfying to play if your deck is well constructed. Whereas Betor, Ancestor's VoiceBetor, Ancestor's Voice is a Rube Goldberg machine, Shiko and Narset, UnifiedShiko and Narset, Unified is a well-oiled precision tool that needs careful optimization to ensure you're copying when you want to and drawing when you need to.

Jankability

Two words: double mutate. For my newer readers, mutate exists to make life a living hell for the judges.

The important thing is that mutate spells are legally creature spells which target. They also really like to build on themselves by having abilities that trigger whenever they mutate. So long as your second spell is mutating, you're getting twice the value.

The only snag is that Shiko and Narset, UnifiedShiko and Narset, Unified is a Human (so it can't be targeted). Also, missing out on green is a kiss of death for the strategy, but this is a jank rank, not a good ideas rank.

Uniqueness

There are a surprising number of commanders that care about double-spelling. For my money, Breeches, the BlastmakerBreeches, the Blastmaker is probably the most similar, since it chooses between copying a spell and doing something else.

Shiko, Paragon of the WayShiko, Paragon of the Way

Oh, thank God, he finally escaped that clingy, toxi- Oh, Narset, hiiiii! How are you? We were just not talking about you...

Satisfaction

Unfortunately for this whipped winged wyvern, Shiko, Paragon of the WayShiko, Paragon of the Way does not make a satisfying commander for the people that this design should interest, and there's pretty much one big culprit to blame:

Exiling, copying, and casting a copy a instead of outright reusing the original card means you can't recur a spell more than once.

That's effectively a finality counter, which nobody seems to like when we're used to having our cake and eating it and eating it and eating it, too. On the other hand...

Jankability

Little known fact: The Way actually just means populate, and ShikoShiko is its paragon because it immediately tokenizes any small spell in your graveyard. Even the Three Blind MiceThree Blind Mice can see how synergistic that strategy is.

Even more out there is a graveyard EphemerateEphemerate chain, where you stock your graveyard with as many valid single target blink spells as you can. Once ShikoShiko enters, cast every blink in a row to build up your storm count as high as possible before throwing GrapeshotGrapeshot at everyone.

There's also almost certainly some combo here with Pull from EternityPull from Eternity, whose copy is notably capable of returning the original to the graveyard.

Uniqueness

Vadrok, Apex of ThunderVadrok, Apex of Thunder and Annie Flash, the VeteranAnnie Flash, the Veteran are both creatures that can similarly recur three cost spells, but Shiko'sShiko's ability to copy any spell puts it a tier ahead of the two.

The Storm Rages On

That's it for this installment! Join me in Part 3, where we look at the last four commanders and wrap it up by crowning the most jank commander of the set.