It's Raining Dragons

Hello, everyone! I'm Michael Celani. For those of you that know me, I don't need to introduce myself, because it's really strange to introduce yourself to people that already know you. If you don't know me, I write How They Brew It, the series formerly on Commander's Herald (and now here) that wins by doing things like dealing combat damage to your opponents when blocking, casting spells for 0, or equipping a car to a guy and hitting people with it.

Instead of doing my taxes this year, and that's not a joke, they're legitimately not done yet, I'm instead ranking each of the twenty-six new commanders in Tarkir: Dragonstorm based on how jank they are. You might think that's impossible to quantify, and you're right, but I've built an entire brand on why not, so let's get down to the criteria we're using:

Satisfaction

In this section, I'll discuss whether or not the average player would have a fun time running the commander in question at the helm of their deck. I'll also look at if it's well-designed enough to do the thing it wants to do without frustrating potential pilots.

Jankability

In the next section, we'll take a look at the commander's potential for creativity. What unique and niche strategies does it support? Is it narrow in scope, or does it have potential in a variety of strategies?

Uniqueness

The last criteria we'll cover is how unique the card is. Does it remind me of any other commander that already exists, or is this ground newly tread?

With the rules set, here's the Tarkir: Dragonstorm jank rank!

Anafenza, Unyielding LineageAnafenza, Unyielding Lineage

You know, being one of these ghosts that gets called upon in times of great need has to really suck. It's like having a job that you can never quit.

I'm picturing getting hit by a bus, enjoying my afterlife with a nice game of chess, and then suddenly I get ripped away one move away from victory to debug a complicated race condition in a legal correspondence system. Then again, I get woken up at two in the morning for that now anyway, so maybe death is preferable.

Satisfaction

Unlike her previous incarnationher previous incarnation, Anafenza, Unyielding LineageAnafenza, Unyielding Lineage rewards you for stuff dying instead of stuff entering the battlefield, and in mono-white that's a significant downgrade. It takes the blink strategy is off the table, and worse still, she keeps her nontoken requirement, so you can't rely on throwaway fodder to buff her up.

I suppose that's necessary, though, given the fact that she would be able to turn any death into a SpiritSpirit. I find the go-wide version of AnafenzaAnafenza worse than the go-tall one. White has a million different good go-wide commanders that don't require your creatures to jump through hoops into their own graves.

All this adds up to in my mind is a commander that's desperately missing black in its color identity. I can't imagine a scenario where I'm running Anafenza, Unyielding LineageAnafenza, Unyielding Lineage and not picturing the world where I wasn't a hipsterthe world where I wasn't a hipster.

I would be completely on board if Anafenza, Unyielding LineageAnafenza, Unyielding Lineage was Orzhov, but as it stands, she's more likely to be a piece in the ninety nine of said Orzhov decks rather than anywhere near the command zone.

Jankability

AnafenzaAnafenza's strongest trait is getting two +1/+1 counters whenever a nontoken creature you control dies, so let's lean into that.

Since we're missing black, and sacrificing tokens doesn't work, our best option would be small creatures that sacrifice themselves for our benefit, and that means dogs. Anafenza, Unyielding LineageAnafenza, Unyielding Lineage grows stronger as you kill more dogs.

Ruff humor aside, stick to low-cost creatures that sacrifice themselves, like Resolute WatchdogResolute Watchdog and Cathar CommandoCathar Commando, and then rely on cards like Dewdrop CureDewdrop Cure or Raise the PastRaise the Past to get them back.

Most such cards happen to grant Anafenza, Unyielding LineageAnafenza, Unyielding Lineage indestructible. If you stock your deck full of Selfless SpiritsSelfless Spirits, they're gonna become redundant real fast unless you're taking control of the board, so use the opportunity to go on the offensive and run a huge suite of board wipes.

You get two counters, a board state more or less invincible to single target responses, and a clean board for Anafenza, Unyielding LineageAnafenza, Unyielding Lineage to waltz through on the way to your opponents' faces. A puppy mill control deck, could you get any more comically evil?

For that jank touch, include some creatures with 0 toughness and cast them for 0 to treat them as free, permanent buffs to AnafenzaAnafenza that also trigger your Welcoming VampireWelcoming Vampire.

Uniqueness

I already linked Elenda, the Dusk RoseElenda, the Dusk Rose above, which feels like the more fleshed out and deeper version of Anafenza, Unyielding LineageAnafenza, Unyielding Lineage. Obviously, Anafenza, Kin-Tree SpiritAnafenza, Kin-Tree Spirit is thematically very similar, because it's like poetry, you know, it rhymes.

Taigam, Master OpportunistTaigam, Master Opportunist

Oof, what a disappointing epithet to get slapped with. We've got Master WizardsMaster Wizards, Master ArchersMaster Archers, Master TacticiansMaster Tacticians, Master SmithsMaster Smiths, Master SleuthsMaster Sleuths, and even Masters of TimeMasters of Time (no, not that onethat one).

And what does Taigam get? Master Opportunist. Might as well have said "Master Used Car Salesman."

Imagine walking into that group and going "Hey, everybody! I'm the master of being a self-serving jackass. I have no mercy; I'm chaotic neutral!" I guess it's less cringe than being a Master BreederMaster Breeder, but not by much.

Satisfaction

Oh, you're gonna have fun with this guy. Baseline, he comes down turn two, which is spectacular, and if you've got better things to do on your second turn, he's so cheap that he can curve right into something you want to copy on a later turn.

Ideally, your turn starts by casting inexpensive starter spells like OptOpt, and then playing the really big stuff as your second spell. Not only does this mean you're always doing something, it also means your deck is resilient to non-games. Even if you get completely mana-screwed, you're going to at least have tons of one-mana cantrips in-hand (assuming you weren't completely brain-dead during your mulligan), so finding plays should be a cinch.

That just leaves what to copy, and the canonical answer to "what should I cast for free" has always been extra turn spells, like Time StretchTime Stretch. They pull double duty here, since taking extra turns also chips away at your suspended cards. Plus, if you've got enough of them in reserve, you can even have your suspenders line up in such a way that a card resuspends itself during your upkeep. You are casting them, after all.

Jankability

Oh, it's flashback and friends, and it's not even close.

Unlike old Taigamold Taigam, new Taigamnew Taigam doesn't care whether or not you cast your second spell from your hand. That means spells that are cast with flashback from your graveyard are still subject to his triggered ability.

Spells with flashback usually get exiled when they leave the stack, but since they're getting exiled by Taigam, Master OpportunistTaigam, Master Opportunist's ability, it doesn't matter that they were already destined for the bin. It works how you want it to, and that means infinite flashback.

Add Lier, Disciple of the DrownedLier, Disciple of the Drowned to your Taigam, Master OpportunistTaigam, Master Opportunist decks (or vice versa) and annoy your opponents with never-ending copies of Time WarpTime Warp until they finally defenestrate you for your hubris.

Uniqueness

The real unique aspect of TaigamTaigam is his recursive power, not the actual method by which he does it.

Plenty of commanders have been printed that suspend stuff from your hand, and a few have been printed that give your spells rebound (which is effectively what TaigamTaigam does, just slower), but unlike TaigamTaigam, practically all of them have stipulated that the card comes from your hand.

Sidisi, Regent of the MireSidisi, Regent of the Mire

SidisiSidisi is back, and the more undead she gets, the more I can only see a Protoss in her artwork. Seriously, just remove the horns and you could convince me that she's the leader of the new faction of space conquistadors in Starcraft III: Ship Happens.

Satisfaction

You've gotta EntombEntomb your target first, which is a pretty major stumbling block for this newest generation of Pod Person, and not only that, you still have to have a creature with exactly one less mana value to be able to resurrect it. It's safe to say that if you're looking to play Sidisi, Regent of the MireSidisi, Regent of the Mire as a typical Pod deck, then you're not gonna have a good time.

Jankability

What SidisiSidisi has going for her is that she's a puzzle. Her activated ability is very cheap; it's only one creature and no extra mana cost. That means she can be the queen of two card value combos; a lower mana value creature worth sacrificing over and over, and a higher mana value creature that recurs the lower-cost creature.

Since the way she recurs creatures is so finicky, so precise, and requires a lot of deckbuilding concessions, she meets the definition of jank. But that's more in the bad sense of the word, where you're accomplishing a mundane goal through strange means, as opposed to the good sense of the word, where the strange means are an end unto themself.

Uniqueness

You have not one, but two strictly-superior options if you're interested in trading creatures for more creatures.

If you're all in on Pod People, then Prime Speaker VannifarPrime Speaker Vannifar does the tutoring for you in colors that are way better suited to comboing off for a quick win.

If you'd rather trade living beings for dead ones, then you're better served by Whisper, Blood LiturgistWhisper, Blood Liturgist, who doesn't make you take pre-calc every time you want to cheat out an Archon of CrueltyArchon of Cruelty.

Sarkhan, Dragon AscendantSarkhan, Dragon Ascendant

Magic's resident scalie SarkhanSarkhan has the type of confidence I wish I had. Dude knows what he's about and he loves it. And I get it; I mean, if I could turn into a dragon, I totally would. Guess I'll just have to settle for merely pretending that I'm one every December in Rosemont.

Satisfaction

Unfortunately, like my father taught me, dreams aren't results, and in terms of "low-cost Dragon commander," Sarkhan, Dragon AscendantSarkhan, Dragon Ascendant is trash.

A single TreasureTreasure helps, sure (and if for some reason you're not getting it when he enters, you've done something terribly wrong), but his payoff for seeing more Dragons is that he slowly becomes a behemoth in the air.

This would be valuable if Dragons weren't known for being behemoths in the air, rendering the entire payoff redundant.

Jankability

I got nothin'. SarkhanSarkhan is the most boring type of commander: he encourages you to take a specific strategy and rewards you with an incredibly straightforward payoff for acquiescing. He has Do-The-Thing Syndrome.

If he had access to blue, then I could argue you could Artificial EvolutionArtificial Evolution the word Dragon into something else, but even that's not a real payoff. Snore.

Uniqueness

Both Ganax, Astral HunterGanax, Astral Hunter and Lathliss, Dragon QueenLathliss, Dragon Queen take the concept of rewarding you for playing Dragons and do it right by giving you payoffs that actually matter. A TreasureTreasure or an entire dang 5/5 flier5/5 flier is substantially better than slightly powering up a guy for every, let's face it, six or seven mana you're sinking into a creature.

And speaking of sinking mana into creatures, Nogi, Draco-ZealotNogi, Draco-Zealot does what SarkhanSarkhan does, but faster, and with a built-in cost reducer for good measure, which blows a single TreasureTreasure out of the lava.

Tersa LightshatterTersa Lightshatter

As though they knew I'd be unimpressed with SarkhanSarkhan, Wizards saw fit to bless red with a second commander, the only single color that gets that privilege this go around.

This is blatant favoritism, and I will only accept fifteen new white token and trigger-doublers before their sins are forgiven.

Satisfaction

Honestly, she's not bad, if you can get around that she's a bit low-impact for the command zone slot. She's like a Wrenn's ResolveWrenn's Resolve that never goes away.

She cycles away two cards for free when she enters, which you can either use to get rid of excess land or excess nonland, depending on how hungry you are for MountainsMountains at the time. Already, that reduces the amount of nongames her pilots will suffer by a significant margin, which is good for the average enjoyment level of a deck.

The important part comes when she starts casting spells from your graveyard, and for that you've got just a little bit of chaos. I really would have liked to see it be free, given that it's completely random and your preferred target is jockeying for position with at least six other competitors, but for an open-ended value commander, you could do much worse.

Shuffling your graveyard constantly to randomly pick a card is going to get annoying fast, though. I sure hope nobody's running Guiding SpiritGuiding Spirit.

Jankability

Similar to Vadrok, Apex of ThunderVadrok, Apex of Thunder, Tersa LightshatterTersa Lightshatter doesn't permanently exile anything that you cast. If an instant or sorcery is the target of her ability and you opt to use her target, then it'll find itself right back in the graveyard to get cast again on a later turn. It's extremely unfortunate you can't guide her target in any way, because I'd love to exile my whole hand to repeated castings of Fury of the HordeFury of the Horde. Guess I'll just have to learn sleight of hand, or get really, really lucky.

Lands aren't exempt from her trigger, either, which is in most cases a downside. However, if you wanted to build a mono-red Landfall deck, and didn't want some flavor of Toggo, Goblin WeaponsmithToggo, Goblin Weaponsmith for some reason, then you could use her trigger alongside lands that sacrifice themselves like Evolving WildsEvolving Wilds or Prismatic VistaPrismatic Vista to turn her into the world's most inconsistent Crucible of WorldsCrucible of Worlds.

Evil players will include lockout lands, like Strip MineStrip Mine and WastelandWasteland, but something tells me that the people running Strip MineStrip Mine and the people that would have Tersa LightshatterTersa Lightshatter as a commander are disjoint sets.

Uniqueness

There have been an awful lot of mono-red value commanders that impulse whenever you attack, but Tersa LightshatterTersa Lightshatter might be the first commander that does it from your graveyard. Frankly, there are much better commanders in two colors or greater that deal with casting stuff out of your graveyard, though, so I don't see much of a life outside limited for her.

Surrak, Elusive HunterSurrak, Elusive Hunter

If nothing else, SurrakSurrak is the hunkiest creature in this rundown, if you discount SarkhanSarkhan, ZurgoZurgo, SidisiSidisi, and all of the Dragons.

Satisfaction

Do you want to commit to the board without worrying about playing into your opponents? Well then do I have the commander for you! Surrak, Elusive HunterSurrak, Elusive Hunter will replace anything that gets blown up with single-target removal, ensuring that you're never one-for-one'd again. The crushing sense of loss will no longer invade your game -- it will stay in the real world, where it belongs!

Players that deign to run Surrak, Elusive HunterSurrak, Elusive Hunter are probably going to have more fun than they did before, given that they're no longer punished for playing beater after beater after beater. It's just that it's a Band-Aid fix. You could reap all the benefits of Surrak, Elusive HunterSurrak, Elusive Hunter by simply getting better at Magic: The Gathering and learning to time your attacks.

Jankability

Swing and a miss. Mono-green is the worst possible color identity for taking advantage of Surrak'sSurrak's last ability. Red has its variety of Bolt BendBolt Bend effects, blue has creatures that redirect spellscreatures that redirect spells, and even white has access to Standard BearerStandard Bearer.

Green has none of that, and just has to be threatening to get targeted. Oh, well.

Uniqueness

Rayne, Academy ChancellorRayne, Academy Chancellor is the Surrak, Elusive HunterSurrak, Elusive Hunter for people that woke up and chose nonviolence.

A well-constructed RayneRayne deck will never let anything resolve targeting what it was supposed to, because it's going straight into their pilot's piggy bank.

God forbid you try to actually remove one of their creatures, because the odds are pretty good they're gonna end up ping-ponging it between two copies of SpellskiteSpellskite for eternity. That happened to me once. I'm not even joking.

Of course, there once were other, even better commanders that rewarded you for that kind of chicanery, but...

...sigh.

Neriv, Crackling VanguardNeriv, Crackling Vanguard

It's time to talk Mardu commanders, starting with the two versions of Neriv. Neriv, Crackling VanguardNeriv, Crackling Vanguard is the face commander of the Mardu preconstructed deck, which is all about tokens.

Satisfaction

I've got a feeling that Neriv, Crackling VanguardNeriv, Crackling Vanguard is going to be beloved amongst its pilots. It's impulse drawing you four or five cards a turn, and such a ridiculous value engine in the command zone is not to be overlooked.

The only thing you have to worry about is actually getting to the five mana to cast it. Since you've got such velocity, though, you should be able to dedicate a huge number of slots to early game ramp. You won't be punished for it like in other decks, because NerivNeriv is likely gonna skip over a lot of the more useless ones when you start attacking with him anyway.

Jankability

NerivNeriv gets more janky the more all-in you are. It's Do-The-Thing Syndrome, sure, but since "The Thing" requires you to diversify your deckbuilding, it gets a pass.

You can be content with only a few different token names; GoblinGoblin, TreasureTreasure, and the ElephantElephant from Generous GiftGenerous Gift are basically free spaces on your bingo board. That's already getting you three cards every swing, which is fine.

What I want to see is a new verison of my counter challenge, where every single card that makes tokens has to make a differently named token. Give me a legitimate reason to run Goldmeadow LookoutGoldmeadow Lookout or Boris DevilboonBoris Devilboon and I'm happy.

You know what, screw that: have a bunch of the same token and start putting name stickers on all of them. Twenty GoblinsGoblins, all with their own name. It's the start of a beautiful sitcom.

Uniqueness

Gimbal, Gremlin ProdigyGimbal, Gremlin Prodigy was the first attempt at something along these lines, but unfortunately the fact that it limited itself to artifact tokens and made single vanilla creatures as a payoff meant that nobody cared. Removing the restriction is clearly the right thing to do, as it means players are more willing to engage with the core mechanic.

Neriv, Heart of the StormNeriv, Heart of the Storm

Like damage? Well, here's more of it!

Satisfaction

Honestly, ranking this commander on how satisfied a player will be playing it seems pointless. Everyone who wanted this immediately knew they wanted it the instant they saw the spoiler flitter past their eyes, and everyone who didn't let it roll off their back like raindrops on a misty May morning.

Jankability

Though I'll be honest, there's a part of me that wants to make a joke deck where the only payoffs is that stuff like Goblin ArtilleryGoblin Artillery hurts me even more now. A secret commander Auntie Blyte, Bad InfluenceAuntie Blyte, Bad Influence would go kinda hard, actually...

Uniqueness

Jokes aside, Neriv, Heart of the StormNeriv, Heart of the Storm marrying the burn and haste archetypes is its defining characteristic. Before, you only had the commanders that cared about haste, like Ardoz, Cobbler of WarArdoz, Cobbler of War and Goro-Goro and SatoruGoro-Goro and Satoru, and the commanders that cared about burn, like Ojer Axonil, Deepest MightOjer Axonil, Deepest Might.

Related, but not entirely similar are all those red commanders that make hasty tokens of something. They're great inclusions in Neriv, Heart of the StormNeriv, Heart of the Storm, and they often have similar play patterns of either overwhelming your opponents with hasty beaters or overwhelming your opponents with raw enters-the-battlefield burn.

If you couldn't decide on which archetype you liked more, then here's the ultimate umbrella commander.

Zurgo StormrenderZurgo Stormrender

God damn, that sword is cool. I know that if I ever tried to pick up a blade that was constantly getting struck by lightning, it would kill me instantly, but if I got at least one shot that badass before going, it's worth it.

Satisfaction

Boros gives you the tokens, black gives you the sacrifice outlet, it's card advantage in the command zone... Zurgo StormrenderZurgo Stormrender builds and plays itself. If that's the type of deck you love, then go nuts.

Don't let the emphasis on combat fool you; it's an aristocrats deck, but the only difference is that when you sacrifice your token matters. If you need card draw, you have to toss 'em during your combat step when they're attacking. If you want damage, do it any other time.

One of the best things about this deck is that there's no downside to getting blocked, so you don't care about evasion. Either an opponent intercepts and eats your attacking dork, in which case you draw a card, or they take the damage and then you sacrifice the token during the end-of-combat phase, in which case you draw a card.

The only hitch is that a prospective pilot's potential enjoyment of this deck depends on how fast they can find a sac outlet. I'd want at least a few of them, like Viscera SeerViscera Seer, Ashnod's AltarAshnod's Altar, and Yawgmoth, Thran PhysicianYawgmoth, Thran Physician. The redundancy is nice, because you really don't want to be in a situation where you're incapable of scheduling executions for profit.

Jankability

Unfortunately, Zurgo StormrenderZurgo Stormrender has Do-The-Thing Syndrome in spades. All you have to do is make creature tokens and send them en masse to their death; you'll win the game one way or another.

He doesn't support any other strategy. I'm disappointed that Zurgo StormrenderZurgo Stormrender is limited to tokens (and there's a good reason that'll become apparent in the next section), because blinking an attacking creature seems like a fun way to trigger his ability.

Uniqueness

To make matters worse, he's the least unique commander of the entire set. Spoiler alert, the Abzan set contains a better Doran, the Siege TowerDoran, the Siege Tower, and even that is more original than this copy-and-paste job. At least the New 2025 Ford GarnaNew 2025 Ford Garna plays better with Myriad creatures, who (very frustratingly) exile themselves out of existence instead of being sacrificed.

Zurgo, Thunder's DecreeZurgo, Thunder's Decree

Main set ZurgoZurgo wins most confusing reminder text. Seeing the phrase "Sacrifice them at the beginning of the next end step" followed immediately by "This token can't be sacrificed" must have baffled a ton of people at prerelease.

Satisfaction

I expected to see a lot of mobilize in ZurgoZurgo's recommendations page, and that's pretty much exactly what I got. At face value, this is the mobilize commander, and in that case, you're going all in on Warriors, anthems, and extra combats.

It's the kind of straightforward deck I'd build for a new player, and it's been a while since we've had a good Warrior commander, so that makes me happy.

Jankability

Quick, quick, fetch my copy of Maskwood NexusMaskwood Nexus!

The name of the game is tutoring out Maskwood NexusMaskwood Nexus, and then playing a bunch of those red copy-as-token guys (like Orthion, Hero of LavabrinkOrthion, Hero of Lavabrink) to slowly build up a board of powerful creatures. Alternatively, you can forgo Maskwood NexusMaskwood Nexus if you're willing to build your deck around natural Warriors.

And here's an idea if you want to add a bit of spice to your Maskwood NexusMaskwood Nexus shenanigans: why not go all-in on Ball LightningBall Lightning? If you can change their type to Warrior, then they won't ever sacrifice themselves, which leaves you with an army of, well, Ball LightningBall Lightning. I mean, it's no prize, but hey, cut me some slack, it's 2:45 AM on April 13^th and I still haven't done my damn taxes.

Uniqueness

The token-clone version of this deck reads a lot like a version of The Master, MultipliedThe Master, Multiplied that you either have to build yourself using a Maskwood NexusMaskwood Nexus or by focusing entirely on Warriors. The addition of another color helps differentiate the two.

Eshki DragonclawEshki Dragonclaw

We're moving on to Temur, the kings of making you want large creatures for any reason other than combat. They're obsessed with the number four, and if you don't have a creature that's got at least that much power, then you should probably just go, you're embarrassing everyone here.

Satisfaction

Eshki DragonclawEshki Dragonclaw is one of the tougher commanders I've seen in the set to get working. For her to do anything at all, you need to be in a position where you're consistently double-spelling, and you need to be consistently double-spelling two different categories of card to get there.

Sometimes you're gonna end up with all creatures, and sometimes, you're gonna end up with all noncreatures, and EshkiEshki doesn't replace both of the cards you cast, only one, so you still have to put some effort into restocking your hand. Compare this to the value vomit that Neriv, Crackling VanguardNeriv, Crackling Vanguard gave us, and you can see why I'm a little concerned.

On the other hand, this type of challenge is exactly what Temur players love. Delicately balancing creature and noncreature spells might not be consistently fun in the piloting phase, but in the building phase, trying to optimize for that razor's edge will tickle a lot of people's fancy.

Jankability

There's some Do-The-Thing Syndrome here, but EshkiEshki is very open-ended. The categories of "creature" and "noncreature" are so broad you can do pretty much anything you want with her and still feel supported.

In fact, I'd go a bit further and say maybe she's too open-ended. Jank benefits from a little bit of a push, and with her, there's no real reason not to devolve into goodstuff.

Uniqueness

Wow! Eshki DragonclawEshki Dragonclaw is the only commander I can find that cares about casting both a creature and a noncreature spell on the same turn as a trigger condition. Some decks clearly care about having a balance of creature and noncreature spells, and I instantly remembered Fae OfferingFae Offering when I saw her card's text, but no other commander incentivized double-spelling like this. Good on ya, EshkiEshki!

Eshki, Temur's RoarEshki, Temur's Roar

Oh, phew, there's a power 4 or greater trigger. I was worried for a moment that we weren't really on Tarkir, but now I feel safe.

Satisfaction

EshkiEshki comes down early (and you're in green, so you can fix your mana much more efficiently than other colors), gets bigger on every creature spell, and draws you cards on almost all of them. Nobody is leaving that much value on the table, because if you build your deck properly, you're basically running a Beast WhispererBeast Whisperer as your commander. Don't quote me on this, but I think you're gonna be able to do the thing every game.

In fact, I'd say Eshki'sEshki's abilities are so centralizing it risks warping how you think about casting creatures. It's really easy to get lost in "I have to cast these to cantrip!" that you lose sight of the fact that playing so many four-power creatures means you'll actually have a wide board of four-power creatures. You don't actually have to go for the Voltron-esque kill; it's just a nice-to-have.

Jankability

I'd say Eshki, Temur's RoarEshki, Temur's Roar would be a jank Ball LightningBall Lightning commander, but I'm not even convinced that isn't the intended strategy for her. You get to put a counter on her, draw a card, and snipe everyone for damage equal to her power if you cast a Ball LightningBall Lightning; it's an obvious inclusion.

Maybe the jank lies in going all-in on Ball LightningBall Lightning; like, dedicate a significant portion of your deck to stuff like Crystal ShardCrystal Shard and Portal of SanctuaryPortal of Sanctuary so that they never have to actually sacrifice themselves. That could work.

Speaking of bounce, Shrieking DrakeShrieking Drake kindred is an option here. If you cast a cheap creature that bounces itself to your hand, then you can keep reaping the rewards. It's just I don't know why you'd care to do that with EshkiEshki and not Animar, Soul of ElementsAnimar, Soul of Elements, who is tailor-made for that strategy.

Uniqueness

It's not quite the same, but Eshki, Temur's RoarEshki, Temur's Roar reads to me like a creature-focused version of Zaffai, Thunder ConductorZaffai, Thunder Conductor. I would love to see a 2v2 Commander game where EshkiEshki and ZaffaiZaffai team up to take down, I dunno, Gabriel AngelfireGabriel Angelfire and Hakim, LoreweaverHakim, Loreweaver or something.

Ureni of the UnwrittenUreni of the Unwritten

Oh, some kids will be making fun of how you pronounce this dragon's name, that's for sure.

Satisfaction

A 7/7 flying trampling Dragon for seven. That statline and set of abilities flashbanged me, even though I was never team Palladia-MorsPalladia-Mors. But whereas Palladia-MorsPalladia-Mors required you to pay three every turn for the privilege of having it hit your opponent and nothing else, Ureni of the UnwrittenUreni of the Unwritten actually cheats Dragons onto the field if it connects.

It's big, it's dumb, and like Neriv, Heart of the StormNeriv, Heart of the Storm before it, you know if this is what you want the instant you see it. I guess that's just how I judge these huge Timmy cards. There's no point yucking someone's yum, even if I personally find it... impractical.

Jankability

Nope, UreniUreni has severe deep vein thrombosis Do-The-Thing Syndrome. You might as well actually play Palladia-MorsPalladia-Mors; at least then your commander would be jank.

Uniqueness

Looking at the top cards of your library to rip one onto the field like a Beyblade isn't anything new by any stretch of the imagination. I just question the audacity of attempting to challenge perhaps the most well-known example in the genre. He's second place, for crying out loud! Just behind AtraxaAtraxa! Do you think a much worse version is gonna move mountains?

Ureni, the Song UnendingUreni, the Song Unending

Is the song unending It's a Small World After All, because that thing's been stuck in my head for twenty years.

Satisfaction

An eight-mana commander that does nothing but remove enemy creatures and planeswalkers instead of their face is not where I want to be.

Granted, UreniUreni is a 10/10 with protection from white and black, but at that point, I think I'd rather just go all-in and run ProgenitusProgenitus. This is a Limited bomb, through and through, but there's no place for it here; it's only a waste of the command zone.

Jankability

Ugh, the phrase "your opponents control" is doing some heavy lifting to ruin my day. I could see some use for Ureni, the Song UnendingUreni, the Song Unending if I could target my own Brash TaunterBrash Taunter, but even that avenue is taken away from me.

Uniqueness

While protection from specifically white and black is AnimarAnimar-coded, the more apt-comparison is probably the aforementioned ProgenitusProgenitus. I'm not even gonna bother addressing the split damage, because it's not relevant.

The Storm Abates

That's it for the first half of the jank rank. Tune in soon for the second half, where I rank the remainder of the set's commanders.