Brash TaunterBrash Taunter | Art by Svetlin Velinov
Hello, and welcome to Am I the Bolas? This week, trash talked, now trash walk!
This column is for all of you out there who have ever played some Magic and wondered if you were the bad guy. I'm here to take in your story with all of its nuances so I can bring some clarity to all those asking, "Am I the Bolas?"
I'm ready to hear you out and offer advice. All you have to do is email [email protected] with your story, a pseudonym you want to use, and of course, only include details you don't mind in the column! You might see your story below one day. You might even hear it on the podcast. Which podcast?
I'm Mike Carrozza, and it's Christmas Eve? Did I time this right?
I am the master of knowing when my articles are being published!!! Happy holidays!!!
(Post edited for brevity, clarity, and then some.)
SUBMISSION
Hi Mike,
Long time reader, first time caller! Big fan of the column, so I decided to write in with one of my most infamous games of EDH.
My girlfriend (Elle) and I were looking for a pod at her LGS. We found one of her friends for player three, but he was busy shopping for the time being, so we loitered a bit. While we did, player four (let's call him Alex) asked if he could join and we informed him of the situation. He agreed, but after a certain amount of time he decided to bring a completely random other guy (Greg) to replace our player three and completely ignored all pushback or arguments from Elle or myself.
Onto the game, we were all running slightly wonky decks. Can't remember specifics of others, but Elle was a mono-red Humans , Greg was running "group hug" that went off at an alarming rate, Alex was running a heavily souped up Gondor precon, and I was playing my stupid bag of tricks Vampire Aristocrats deck led by Carmen, Cruel SkymarcherCarmen, Cruel Skymarcher.
Greg popped off too fast and was first to go, followed immediately by Elle. Alex had a truly terrifying board state and made several obnoxious comments about how he was the best player and everyone was beneath him, essentially. Despite being repeatedly asked to stop, he continued to act like a huge jerk. Alex's trash talk included aspersions towards player quality, personal life, gloating over killing Elle specifically, as well as some vaguely homophobic comments directed at Elle and myself. I can provide more details on the functioning of my deck as well if needed.
So I decided to start playing extremely technically, and with my ridiculous tricks (including using Vish Kal, Blood ArbiterVish Kal, Blood Arbiter + Tarrian's SoulcleaverTarrian's Soulcleaver to clear the board of 1/1s at instant-speed, for example) and managed to squeeze out an extremely hard fought victory that required several judge calls. My question is, Am I the Bolas for unleashing patently ridiculous play on Alex for being extremely rude both in and out of game? Was there something better I could have done in this situation?
VERDICT
Thank you for writing and asking me to weigh in on your story. As I mention every week, if folks don't write to me, there's no column, so if you, the reader, want to send me a story, whether it's your own or one from Reddit or a friend's, please send it to [email protected] and I'll get to it here.
This is going to be a quick one for the holiday season. Shout out to those of us who need to excuse ourselves to the bathroom to take a break from familial chaos. Here's a quick article for you.
F@#k that guy.
A bigot putting you and your partner down? Yeah, pull out all the stops you want, in-game. Hell, if you wanted to get up and leave, power to you. You did not need to stay in this game, but I accept that it might have been a matter of principle to be able to smack this guy with game mechanics and know-how.
Even having to play a game with him and his friend, despite pushback and protests - red flag! I like to imagine I'd be able to assert myself enough to say, at the very least, that once my friend returns, the game would end immediately and we'd have to kick Greg. If Greg agreed to this, then fine enough, it isn't the end of the world, I guess? But it's still uncomfortable and frustrating. Not ideal!
I understand that it's not easy to stand up for yourself and be assertive when you've got someone who is pushing back so hard. Especially when the fail case is that you just have to play a game while waiting around. I encourage you to own your space as much as possible. You deserve it.
Either way, no, never, not at all! Not the Bolas.
Mike Carrozza
Mike Carrozza is a stand-up comedian from Montreal who’s done a lot of cool things like put out an album called Cherubic and worked with Tig Notaro, Kyle Kinane, and more people to brag about. He’s also been an avid EDH player who loves making silly stuff happen. @mikecarrozza on platforms.
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